In the game magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit into the rest of the pages. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”. We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes – thus our Back Page features. Today, Kate outsources her job to technology, which seems like one of those cautionary tales…
Here at Nintendo Life HQ, we’re constantly trying to think up new ways to add a little pizazz to our front page. Stories about Pikachu? We’ve heard ’em all. New Smash Bros characters? Too easy to guess. Waluigi gets snubbed again? We knew it.
Luckily for us, we live in the year 2021, and artificial intelligence exists. Why bother with news stories when I can just give a prompt to a bot, set it off, and come back a few hours later with all the news I could ever need? That seems a lot easier.
For the titles, I used Botnik Studios’ predictive keyboards, trained on Nintendo Life’s front page. For the images, I used Neural Blender. And for the text of the article, I used InferKit’s generative tool and Deep AI’s text generation. So, here we go: The headlines of tomorrow, today!
Please note that these are NOT true — anything claimed in the text below is from a generative Markov chain and was written by AI.
Come To See The Logo For The Remastered Games Of Nintendo’s Cube!
“The concept of remakes has always been a tad bit controversial, especially in video games. While a certain number of gamers get to appreciate how new the experience can be, there’s always the opposition that is quickly filling up the comments section. The developers themselves have been working hard on remaking various video games. However, some gamers are always against them, believing it will ruin the original experience.”
They’re not wrong, you know. Some people hate remakes, and they definitely come into the comments and tell us about it.
But let’s not bury the lede: Nintendo’s making a new console, and judging by the image, it’s called CUBE CUBE REMISED.
Breaking: The Switch Has Been Problematic And Some People Have Discovered Flooding
“Since its March launch, the Nintendo Switch has sold out. If you went to Best Buy, GameStop, or Walmart and saw it still listed as in stock and thought, “Hey, I could get one,” good news: you can.
But if you can’t, here’s why.
Nintendo says it’s trying to prevent confusion and some shortages by limiting its production. It’s not entirely clear, however, how much stock it has left, and who can get it—or if anyone can. Nintendo also isn’t selling the system itself in the U.S., so you need a friend with one of those in order to snag one.”
This is a little confusing, but bots have no way of understanding when they’re contradicting themselves, unfortunately. In short, you can get a Switch, but maybe you can’t, and they’re definitely not selling them in the US, for some reason. And, wait, should we be worried about the flooding? It looks like it’s already inside the Switch.
‘Pokémon Zelda: Rogue Emails’ Will Probably Be An Unexpected Instalment In The Nintendo 64
“It’s no secret that Nintendo is still hard at work creating a smaller Nintendo 64, complete with the functionality of both the original and the Super NES Classic.
Although rumors of a mini N64 have been circulating for a long time, Nintendo actually announced the system in late 2016, and if Nintendo sticks to its timeline, it’s almost certain that it will hit shelves around the holiday season.”
I was excited to learn more about Pokémon Zelda: Rogue Emails, a game I would 100% play based on the title alone, but the text of the article seems to be a little off-topic. However, that said, I love the confidence with which the bot is stating that a mini N64 is in the works?! According to the bot’s reports, we’ll be seeing it around Christmas, and it’s already been in development for 5 years!
News: This Pokémon Is Now Being Revived For Your Teeth
“Pokémon Company Japan announced today that Pokémon Red, Blue, Yellow, Sun, Moon, Ultra Sun, Ultra Moon, and Mewtwo Generation 1 will be released as upcoming theraptionary items that can be discovered in Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon. This follows the release of Generation 1 as an invitation bonus in Sun and Moon. This month, players will have the chance to try all eight generations of Pokémon available in one game.”
Hm. I don’t think “theraptionary” is a word… and is this bot implying that they’re going to put Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon in Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon? Not sure how that would work. However, all eight generations in one game would be pretty fantastic, and I do want to know more about Mewtwo Generation 1.
Sorry about the image, though. It appears to be a combination of snakes, teeth, and jaw x-rays. Not a bad idea for a future Pokémon design, but quite a lot to look at.
New Review: Shin Megami Tensei V Is A Bit Rubbish
“The game is great. The problem is the endless streams of generic references.
The prolific RPG designer Hideki Kamiya has a penchant for making Shin Megami Tensei games that feature characters the world believes are angels – you know, demons that have a pact with Heaven, but do god-like deeds and become divine. The series also contains fantastic games that feel like unique experiences, and that are truly something to get lost in.”
Oh, that Hideki Kamiya, constantly making Shin Megami Tensei games. He can’t be stopped! Also, leading with a headline that says a game is “rubbish” and then starting with the line “the game is great”? What an avant-garde way of doing reviews.
Are You Playing My Nintendo? We Can’t Be Bothered
“Don’t you hate it when games with cheaters in them automatically jump to a bad review score because of it? That’s what happened with NINTENDO’s latest game, which officially released in the U.S. on Friday, Oct. 29. The game, however, is only in Japan, where it’s called “Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze”.”
A Japan-only version of Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze? That would be interesting, if it weren’t for the lead image, which looks like a mutant version of Isabelle running a supermarket checkout. Thanks, I hate it.
Banjo Threeie On Switch Is Called ‘World Of The Dragon Dracula’
“It’s a post apocalyptic role playing game about a place. It feels strange saying something like this, but for the few hours I played it, the time passed so quickly and my vision was so hazy and confused that it was hard to remember any of the game’s monotonies. Fortunately I didn’t mind being taken on a ride that mostly happened in my imagination rather than the game so I wasn’t too disappointed.
So now I have to make a decision. I want to play it again so I’m not spoiling anything for those who want to play it, but I also want to play World of Goo.”
The Banjo-Kazooie sequel is a post-apocalyptic RPG, which I guess isn’t THAT shocking, since the new Kirby game seems like a post-apocalyptic something-or-other, too. What’s more surprising is that our reviewer would rather play World of Goo.
Princess Peach Has Her Own Adventures: Princeless Bride Of The Crown
“HG: Being in the lead for three Princess Peach games is no easy task. I remember when you had to come up with all of the new dress sprites for the Love Cake world, each with its own color and silhouette. What was that like?”
“AM: Before that, no one else had ever animated in 3D! That was really cool. My very first job was actually in our level testing department. I got fired for two reasons: one was I took the job on my own time, and then the other one was that I refused to move into the cubicle behind me, because they told me it would be on the third floor and I would be too far away.”
Oooh, we managed to secure an interview! No idea who HG is, though. Havin Glane? Hate Gray? Homas Gwhitehead? Hmm. Also, who is AM? Is there a Nintendo developer with the initials AM?
Wait, sorry, just noticed that this new Princess Peach game is apparently the first time anyone has ever animated in 3D. That’s quite the story.
The New F-Zero Sequel Is Called F-Zero F: Mirror Of Destiny X
“Rumors are swirling about the possibility of a new F – Zero game on Xbox One and PlayStation 4.
It has been reported that RedLynx is involved in the project, but the developer has yet to officially confirm this.
If this does in fact become a reality, it could very well be the best racing game.”
I couldn’t find any evidence that RedLynx — the Finnish, Ubisoft-owned developers of the Trials games — is involved with F-Zero in any capacity. However, apparently one of their artists worked at SEGA for 8 years, which included a stint as Course Designer and Design Director on F-Zero AX and F-Zero GX for GameCube, so… did the bot just get an actual scoop? Almost definitely not.
Tingle’s New Game Is Called Tingle’s Greatest Adventures In Space Murders
“According to this press release, “A new twist is revealed about Tingle’s greatest stories in space, which allows us to recreate the tale of how the world ended up under the hands of giant monsters whose main goal is to destroy humans — or ‘wannabe heroes.’ Players must choose between a combination of a villainous character, a space pirate and a mysterious adventurer to fight these monsters for their lives, each with their own personal story about their place in the galaxy.””
I mean, I’m intrigued. A sci-fi Tingle game about space pirates and monsters? Tell me more.
To further complicate matters, at this point the game is already over and Tingle is not on the list due to copyright infringement, the company also recently released a special DVD (complete with a commentary track by Tingle himself) that you can pre-order on Amazon. Tingle’s Greatest Adventures In Space Murders 2: The Legend Continues will launch for PS4, Xbox One, Windows 8.1, and Nintendo Switch on October 12, 2014 and will launch separately in North America on October 26 and 27.
Oh, sorry, apparently this game (or the sequel?) has been out since 2014, on consoles that didn’t exist back then, as well as Windows 8.1. However, this is the first I’m hearing of it. Maybe I need to buy that special DVD with Tingle commentary.
The Next Super Mario Game Will Be Called ‘Super Mario All Dogs’
“Super Mario All Dogs will appear in four Super Mario World worlds featuring eight different Pokémon: Pikachu, Mario, Luigi, Marth, Bred, Donkey Kong, Meowth, and Yoshi. The game is the first game ever produced for the Nintendo 3DS featuring all of the new characters, Super Mario Bros. 4, Super Mario Bros., and Super Mario Bros.: The Thousand-Year Door. The game will follow Mario with his dog, Bred.”
Oh my god. A Super Mario game featuring Mario, Luigi, Pikachu, Marth from Fire Emblem, Yoshi, Donkey Kong, and Meowth? What a cast. And let’s not forget Mario’s dog, Bred, who we all know and love.
Animal Crossing: New Horizons Will Get More DLC, Called “A House Game For Attractive People”
Here’s what I get:
• A tiny house, with an adorable little lady on the front porch, a tiny little man in a very dark place (with a very large cat in the back), and the occasional baby…
• A massive lawn, with a small but interesting tree that keeps growing in size
• The world is divided into two versions
• A limited edition game and all I have to do is pick the game out of a basket, toss it over the table, and go have some fun!!
• The second, “best game” of the year
• A cute little video game called “Kinda a little funny”
• An exclusive CD that I’m sure will help keep the game going
• A tiny island complete with trees, trees, monkeys, birds, and frogs. The island’s pretty.
• A little, fluffy cat
• A tiny, cute squirrel!
This sounds like exactly what all Animal Crossing fans want. A little, fluffy cat? A tiny, cute squirrel? A massive lawn, with a tree that keeps growing in size? And let’s not forget the tiny little man in a very dark place with the occasional baby!
There Will Be One More Surprise Smash Bros Character, And It Is Human King Kong
“In a recent Twitter conversation with The Official Nintendo Direct, JK revealed he didn’t have any idea who Mario was at Smash Bros. At that time, he added, “No… Just something I never really knew.” This means that JK was unaware of the Nintendo Switch version and its character name.
As you can see below, JK has confirmed that he’ll be playable in Smash Bros. as a solo boss, but the details on when the game will be released are still a mystery for now. The developer is hoping to release the game in the West and North next year, which should be the case for a full Wii U and PC release.”
I can’t believe JK admitted on Twitter that he didn’t know who Mario was.
Games Guides: How To Increase Your Hands In Animal Crossing: New Horizons
“Animal Crossing: Wild World is a true adventure game where you can explore, ride horses and play at your own pace. In short, if you know how to move and use horse skills, you’ll be able to start playing as soon as you finish your first level. If you don’t know how to move horses to the other end of the level, you’ll have to sit down and practice at a new horse level so you can master the ropes that prevent the horse from sliding past you.”
…Sure, why not.
Soapbox: I Have Heard Of Pokémon, And It Seems Frustrating
“AquaBlaster, The Dragon, Pikachu, Tristan, and Yveltal can all also be found in the Red Pokémon store alongside the rest of our Pokémon. These Pokémon have all had many forms in their lives.”
How bold, to come onto Nintendo Life and bravely assert that you have heard of Pokémon, but haven’t played it, and that you are having opinions on it nevertheless! It does seem like it’s mostly frustrating because the main character isn’t wearing underwear, though.
Also, Nintendo, if you’re reading this: Please design a Pokémon called Tristan.
Well… we can’t say with 100% certainty that we’ll be replaced by bots any time soon, although it is impressive to see the AI putting semi-convincing sentences about video games together. And, be honest, you’d click on those headline/image combinations just to see what the heck we were on about.
Since we’ve linked the AI tools up above, why not give it a go and generate your own Nintendo Life headline? Pop it in the comments, and we’ll decide if you could be our next AI-enabled Staff Writer. (No promises.)